it's as simple as something that nobody knows...

So I realize I rarely write any of my reflections on the greater problems I encounter here, not malnutrition, gender inequality, and such problems that I enoucnter often, but the very idea of development; what has been called the “white man’s burden.” Mostly I reserve those thoughts for my journal or conversations with other PCVs in which the circular, not-rheotical-but-yet-no-answer nature of the questions has as much to do with their depth as with the beer consumed. I had hoped from the beginning that Peace Corps would make or break a career in international development for me. I either would feel completely confident that this is the career track for me or would recognize that a lifetime of work in what can be an endlessly frustrating and fruitless sector would shake me of it and I could go on to a job in corporate America and donate to UNICEF, Oxfam, and the like during the holidays in order to quell my "white, liberal guilt."

I can’t say I’ve been pushed either way as of now. I will forever be a restless individual, never content to stay in the US for too long. However, I can’t imagine getting acclimated to a new culture every couple years, as Foreign Service individuals do. (Well, I think they live in American pockets within each foreign country so that you never have to really get acclimated to the culture like you do when you’re, say, living and working as the only American in a foreign village for a substantial period of time.) I can’t see myself living the rest of my life in America, nor can I see myself living the rest of my life outside of it. What I have realized is that I wouldn’t want to raise kids anywhere other else.

I came here hoping to have Jared Diamond-esque revelations about the inherent brilliance of the Beninese people and a vindication that it is the oppression of the Western developed world that keeps this part of the world in economic shackles. I do admire their culture, and hope to incorporate the generosity and hospitality of the Beninese people into my character before returning to the US, but, rather unexpectedly, I ended up falling in love with the US. Part of it has to do with the fact that everyone here loves the US. I am asked on a daily basis if I will bring some individual or their children back to the US when I go. I get marriage proposals on a every day from men and from women on behalf of their not-yet-potty-trained sons or already-thrice-married spouses. I realize in the US many of us grow up believing we live in the greatest nation in the world, and from some factual standpoints that may be true (i.e. military strength), but it seems preferable to growing up in a country where many people would abandon their country and culture completely for a chance to live in America. One would think I would return from an experience like this a simpler, less materialistic individual, but in fact I think I love commercialist America more than ever here. Kinda like how we eat up the Life & Style and People magazines here that most would never have read back home; devour Cup O’ Noodles and Oreos with a fervor unseen before.

There are certainly human rights to life, health, and education that are not guaranteed here. The life expectancy is too low; the infant mortality rate too high. More people die of dirty water and diarrhea each year than we can fathom. And yet, in the US we have traded those causes of death for those characteristic of a highly developed, highly industrialized nation. I don’t know how many people die of drug overdose, suicide, cancer, heart disease, obesity, etc. in Benin but it’s a miniscule proportion compared to the US.

too much hard thinking for the moment. much love :)