Among other practices, like using a typewriter and hunting your own food, the giving of dowries (la dote, in French) still occurs in West Africa. I suppose though, that dowries exist in some sense in our culture. We have retained the practice of a father walking his daughter down the aisle, symbolically giving her away (well, her and several thousands dollars spent on fancy invitations, useless favors, one-time-only dresses and tuxes, and countless yards of toole to be fashioned into large bows on the backs of chairs). Back to the topic. So, the specifics of the dowry depend on your region and local culture (yes, in a country the size of Pennsylvania there are numerous cultures and actually big differences between some of them). In Zè, before the male’s family pays dowry to his future bride and her family, he must first give her a list of what he plans to give her. A sort of starting negotiation, if you will. She then takes the proposal to her paternal aunts and revises it as they see fit, which I’m sure means supplementing it. A typical dowry may look something like this:
Father of the bride: 12 meters of fabric, 3 bottles of alcohol, cash
Mother of the bride: 6 meters of fabrics, a jewelry set, dishes
And so on, with a different combination of food, alcohol, and other gifts for each of the bride’s sisters, brothers, and aunts. In some cases, the dowry is given at a ceremony called “la connaissance.” This is somewhat like a combination engagement party/bridal shower in that its purpose is for family and friends of the bride and of the groom to meet each other as well as for the bride to receive guests and all present play stupid games. The ceremony is traditionally held at the bride’s father’s house, and she is not considered betrothed until all the gifts have been bought, presented, and, finally, accepted by the bride and her family. If a woman’s family finds the gifts to be insufficient, they may refuse to give their permission/blessing. The groom’s female relatives form a caravan in their matching fabrics with the dowry gifts atop their heads. Upon entering, they set the dowry at the feet of the bride’s relatives, take their hands, and ask them to receive the gifts.
In one game, several women’s faces are covered and they walk into a circle of the groom’s family who has to say whether or not it is their future daughter. It’s symbolic of how well they know her spirit. The other game involves kola nuts and a maternal aunt. She must throw four kola nuts on the ground until the way in which they fall indicates their ancestors’ acceptance of the marriage. Many times, there are relatives actually buried under that very floor. The succession of kola nut throws is a type of dialogue, each throw an attempt to appeal to their ancestors on the couple’s behalf. American men have it easy; if they’re old-fashioned they may ask for the blessing of her father, but they certainly don’t have to get the permission of all her dead and living relatives.
Another odd thing, is that if you are marrying a twin, the dowry ceremony is conducted as though you are marrying the both of them, which can be awkward in the case of fraternal twins, like the ceremony I saw. If the groom’s family cannot afford the dowry it is up to the bride’s father to state the terms of an alternate dowry.
I guess when reduced to its basic facts, the process is less different form ours than one might think: where they argue the length of fabric and volume of moonshine here, we might bargain for a bigger diamond or higher clarity. I suppose if I explained the bachelor/bachelorette party to Beninese, they would find it just as bizarre.
